


Loving you is what I am

by Literarion



Series: Introspections [2]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale Has Feelings (Good Omens), Introspection, M/M, POV Aziraphale (Good Omens), Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:41:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26661598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Literarion/pseuds/Literarion
Summary: Shoutout toHazelnuttwhikewho encouraged me to write an Aziraphale POV counterpart to "I am not in love with you". I said I would consider, and then forgot about it, and then was caught off-guard by this one under the shower. As you do.Also, big thanks tochamylfor betaing!
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Introspections [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1939894
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	Loving you is what I am

**Author's Note:**

> Shoutout to [Hazelnuttwhike](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hazelnuttwhike/pseuds/Hazelnuttwhike) who encouraged me to write an Aziraphale POV counterpart to "I am not in love with you". I said I would consider, and then forgot about it, and then was caught off-guard by this one under the shower. As you do.  
> Also, big thanks to [chamyl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chamyl/pseuds/chamyl) for betaing!

I love you. My dear, my darling. You must know. You cannot not know. Right? It's true. The truth of it shines through my darkest days (and alas I have seen a few more of these recently than I would otherwise have hoped), and _it is true_ whether I walk or sit or lie, whether I eat or read or feed the ducks. I love you. Always have, really.

But let me start at the beginning. At the beginning there was a garden. And in the garden there was a tree, and two humans, and a snake. And the snake offered the humans a _choice_. You did, didn't you, my love? And then the humans made a choice. They used their free will. Wasn't that the whole point? It must have been, otherwise how would it be ineffable? I stopped trying to elucidate Her will a long time ago. It is _ineffable_ , it's in the name, really, isn't it? And Angel though I may be, I'm not up to this level of precognition, nor do I want to be. But, effable or not, my darling, even you must agree that at the core of everything, She is _good_. You may have less trust in that goodness, I appreciate that. After all, you fell for it. But She is good, She must be, else how would any of this ever begin to make sense? Your side wouldn't be what they are if She wasn't good.

But I digress again. There was a garden and a snake, and then there was a wall, and there was a demon on that wall, smiling at me. And he was _kind_. No, my love, don't you snarl at me again. I know what you think, I know far too well how you maintain your persona, and I must admit that I see why you do it. I have seen Hell, and I believe that you have reason to fear them and act in a way that is so in opposition to who you truly are, to be safe. You won't mind me saying it, maybe if I whisper, that I know, in your heart, you are kind. You are _good_. You were kind to me, there on the wall. You were kind to me, _always_ , really. Of course you are all bluster and swagger and pretence, but none of that can outshine the truth of it, just like nothing can dull the shine of my love for you.

I love you. Did I mention that? Of course I did. Of course I do. I wouldn't ever know how to not love you, cannot remember a time on this Earth where I didn't. You smiled at me, there on the wall, and you assured me that _I_ was good, that I was an angel and therefore could not do wrong. I am still not convinced that you were right, are right about that - but I believed then and believe now that _you_ believe it to be true. And where does that leave me, really? An angel who cannot trust his own goodness where a demon has no doubt. If that isn't ineffability, then I don't know what is. And if that is ineffability, then you are ineffable, too, my darling.

My darling, my dearest, you must know. We never speak of these things, and I often, so often wonder what would happen, if... But then I think of your reaction to being called 'nice', and I dare not breach the subject. Why do you have this unwavering belief in _my_ goodness, but consider yourself so utterly forsaken? She may not love you, but I do, and that must count for something. Mustn't it? If I ever doubted her, this would be the cause. How could she look at you, know your heart (and she would, better even than me, wouldn't she?) and not see the goodness in it? I fear you may take this as proof that you are not good. My love, it is not, it cannot be, because you are. You are. You. Are. Good. You are the best person I ever met.

...

Oh, my love, I’m rambling, am I not? What was I saying? I was trying to start at the beginning, but where do I go from there? There is so much history, so many moments in so many thousands of years that have bound me ever closer to you.

That night in Egypt. Do you remember? I had mucked up a blessing and caught a stern reprimand from Gabriel. Which would have been awful on its own, but that poor, poor woman's fate... Well. You took me out into the desert and showed me your favourite constellation. I wish I could see it still. Looking at the night sky has calmed me for centuries afterwards, remembering that night and the brush of your hair on my shoulder and the smell of your skin as the sun slid past the horizon and touched your whole figure in gold.

My darling, my love, do you remember Beijing? I cannot recall the Emperor at the time, but I will never forget the glint of mischief in your eyes when you explained the concept of paper money to me. Such an odd thing to push them for, but what an impact it has had since! Thinking about what that has done in the long term, with capitalism and all that, and... And yet it is not all bad, not at all, my love.

I will never forget Rome.

Those oysters, the way you looked at me. I was sure then that you must know. That the looks we exchanged must have... Well.

That meant something, didn't it? That fire in your eyes, it burned through your glasses, even, and I burned with you. For you. What else could I do? All those grazing touches, your hip against mine, what could I do but reach for you? And once I did, what... What else could I have done but flee? My love, my dearest, you must know, must have known then, that I could not do otherwise. Had I been free, then, maybe... But this is futile, for I was not, and I did not, and so I left you. Had to leave you, there. Never have I taken harder steps than walking away from that inn, from you, from the need in your gaze. I wanted, oh, my love, how I wanted to stay and be with you and fill that need, be whatever it took to sate you. But leave though I did, I did not leave you alone, at least. I left you with a blessing on another kind soul to take care of you, so you didn't have to suffer alone. I wished... I... I hope I did the right thing.

My love, my darling... What was I saying? The beginning, and the story, and... And all those moments. Where does this all leave us? Nothing has really ever changed. I loved you at the beginning, and I loved you for all of history, and I loved you at the end. And then the end has happened and unhappened - and of course I love you still. What else would I do? Loving you is what I am, it's what makes me, well, me! If it were not for your kindness and my devotion, I would have lost myself a long time ago. But you would not let me, my love, you never would let me doubt or question or fall for any of those minor things that you so often tempt the humans into, you would never let me down or let me fall or even let me think that just for a moment we could... But they are still here, your excruciating kindness, and my devotion to you. You are still here, and so I am still, here, too. We are here. And so I love you.

I always have. And, really, I always will.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Loving you is what I am](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26661661) by [Literarion](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Literarion/pseuds/Literarion)




End file.
